The Joy of Surrendering

Some of you may know that a year ago I joined a twelve step support group. I'm using my courage admitting this on a public platform. In my time in working in this support group, I’ve let go destructive habits, that are easier to see now.

Surrendering to the outcome of what I can’t control is a central part of me now. In the readings in my twelve step program, I have read that I can control what I can and surrender when I’ve done all that I could. As it became clear that there was nothing I could do in my job that ended, I still tried to control it. I said to my managers I was doing the best that I could. It was a struggle, trying to do what was an impossible task.

In my upbringing, I remembered the importance of not quitting to work as hard as possible no matter what. I became a workaholic for much of my career. I never learned that giving up could lead me to better solutions. That’s the message I needed.

I shamed myself for quitting when I couldn’t control the outcome. Other colleagues in other jobs told me I had done the best I could and it was time to move on. Inside I was berating myself, so important it was to not quit, or said the message I had interpreted. I don’t remember when I started hearing this message.

The positive of surrendering is that I’ve learned to change my tact when one path I’m doing isn’t working. For resolution I sit quiet and listen for my intuition to speak about my next idea. It may not come immediately and I sit with it or I take a walk. I paint pictures; I change my focus. When I’m in this relaxed state, the wise voice comes to me. It’s not about quitting; it’s about asking myself what other solutions exist or knowing that solutions come with patience.

In surrendering to what doesn’t work, it leads to letting go. I had a lot of mixed feelings in my job ending. I knew it wasn’t the right one but I was more concerned about how I looked to others rather than listening to my intuition. It’ll get me to Colorado; I reasoned with myself. My False Self lead the way, the one that cared what others thought more than what I believed in, never mind that what others thought wasn’t how I could take care of myself.

I had grown up believing that others’ needs and wishes were more important. Yet it is my life, not anyone else’s. I spent a lot of time feeling resentment. Even when I took care of my needs, I felt guilt and shame. I disassociated. I did whatever I could to not face my feelings.

A few months into my recovery with my twelve step group, there was a reading about accepting what I couldn’t change. Sometimes I read the words not understanding the true meaning.

One day I walked into a church that I’d never been to before. I’m not a religious person, but I love the beauty inside a church without having to believe in anything. I sat in the sanctuary’s pew toward the back. I took in the beauty of the stained glass, the woodwork of the religious symbolism I didn’t understand. I sat and I listened to intuition that poured out of me. I felt the pain of lacking control. For once I didn’t push it away. I sat with my own challenges and fears. I sat in the spirituality of the church. I let go of the people looking in at me from the hallways, the curiosity of others. I felt the anger and sadness of what didn’t work. I didn’t know how long I was there. I listened to my feeling. I wanted to cry but the tears weren’t there. I surrendered to not having answers and not being able to control my outcome.

In my twelve step group, there’s a saying, Let Go, Let God. I say, the universe, rather than God. I see it as all connected and each person uses the word appropriate to himself or herself. There’s no judgment; it’s about what feels right.

In my support group, I found a sense of belonging. I used to say, what’s wrong with me? I say it less now that I have the understanding; it’s a message my critical voice has expressed. I’m learning to re-parent myself, a day at a time, with the loving parent, that voice we use for ourselves, the voice of love. I think of that job and I’m glad I tried. It taught me the importance of listening to my intuition, the importance of surrendering, and that I could move onto something else. My intuition knew all along. For me intuition, the universe, the soul, is all one being, one voice of wisdom.

With surrender comes other opportunities, new friendships, new awareness, changes I never thought could happen. What was once emptiness expressed by the False Self came surrender to what I couldn’t control. What came next was self-compassion, self-love, inner peace and joy.

What have you learned from surrendering? What surprised you? What changes have you seen happen in being your True Self?

—©, Amanda L. Mottorn, 2022, author of Finding Moksha: One Woman’s Path in Uncertain Times and Artist at Modern Moksha Designs & Publishing.

"Wisdom of Non-Dominant Hand Work”

I’ve been feeling the need of doing non-dominant handwriting, but have been feeling blocked to do the work. I find other things to do. I procrastinate. I forget. The thought to do it comes back until finally I do it. I started with a drawing. A book I’m reading, The Loving Parent Guidebook suggests starting off drawing my inner children. I don’t even know who those selves are. Initially it sounds a little weird. With continued reading, I let go what it may sound like, be open and try it out. I wanted to return to psycho-somatic healing. I realized I was never rejected from my current insurance. It was another state benefit and I stopped the therapy I had heard was so healing. I tried reading, The Body Keeps the Score, but the research introductory put me to sleep at bedtime. I put my focus in the twelve step meetings and hoped that one day the pain I carried in my hips, neck and shoulders would just go away on its own. Never mind that I’ve felt it for years. It lessens and then without warning it comes back and I can barely bend my left knee. Legs are connected to hips and it’s my left hip that carries that anger, the hurt, the invisible pain. Pigeon pose in yoga helps but I can’t spend days there. I spend time there. I love it and hate it. Mostly I appreciate having it as a tool.

I drew pictures of the inner child, not caring what others will think when I read it. After all, others have written about recovery of the inner child; this isn’t new terminology. And I’ll include some of what came up with my inner children. Perhaps you wonder what does non-dominant hand work have to do with inner peace, painting and creative work? What does it have to do with anything? You can take a look at Dr. Lucia Capacchione’s Recovery of the Inner Child.” If you go to therapy, you can ask your psychologist about it. He or she may have exercises that go beyond cognitive therapy.

This is my experience; you can have your own...

I drew my inner children using my non-dominant hand. On one I wrote: “I just want to be liked,” still using the non-dominant hand, using the voice that came up. I drew another, and older version of the inner child, “I want to feel pretty inside.”

Inner child (non-dominant hand) pauses and then writes more: Sometimes the mean voices take over. The mean voice hurts me. And the mean voice wins. It shouldn’t be about winning or losing. We should work together. We’re a team. We need to love me. Wouldn’t the universe agree? The angels agree. At least I think so.

Adult Self, loving parent written with the right hand in pen: You’re right; all of these selves are a team. One inner child wants to be liked. Another inner child of the adult me wants to feel pretty inside. The mean voice, the critical parent wants to soothe and find loving words when (the adult me) I is scared or worried. Thank you for speaking up and sharing your drawings.

The inner child continues (written with non-dominant hand in purple pencil): I hate pretending to be fine when I’m not. I don’t want to be that person anymore. It makes me feel like a fake. I want to be known for the books I write, the stories I tell, the drawings I make and the love I have inside.

Adult Self, loving parent (dominant hand, writing with pen): You have every right to want to be your True Self. I don’t want to stop you from being you. What’s a safe way to express your feelings?

Inner child (non-dominant hand): Painting. Drawing. It turns out I draw okay. It turned out I could stop drinking for good. It turns out I can love myself.

Adult Self, Loving Parent: (dominant hand writing in pen): It’s a relief isn’t it? What else did you learn?

Inner child (non-dominant hand): Through my self-compassion, I can help others experience their own. I’m not my mean voice. That person isn’t real. That’s the Fake Self the self-help books talk about. I’m helping myself. I’m sharing.

Adult Self, Loving Parent: (dominant hand writing in pen): Yes, you are. You are showing yourself love. You are willing to do the work. You feel your fear. You let yourself be anxious and you let it go. And you do the non-dominant hand writing. I’m so proud of you. I need to tell you that more.

Inner child (non-dominant hand): Thank you for saying that. I don’t like hiding and being quiet. I makes me feel shut out. I have a voice, too. I have dreams. I want to go to New Mexico. I want to meet the artists. I want to see the beauty they see. I want to see the terrain. I want to see the beauty of this unexpected place. I want adventures.

Adult Self, Loving Parent: (dominant hand writing in pen): I hear you loud and clear. Wanting to travel to New Mexico is coming up more and more almost everyday. We need to take that journey, you and me.

Inner child (non-dominant hand): I feel like I’m opening up. Like one day I could cry again.

Adult Self, Loving Parent: (dominant hand writing in pen): Thank you for speaking up. I want to protect you just as you have for me. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. You’ve been brave, telling and guiding me in my decisions as I make my way through my adult world. Anything else you want to tell me?

Inner child (non-dominant hand): Act on thoughts when I want to do something. Paint some bridges in Pittsburgh. It’ll feel like painting in Rome. Talk to me. Let me feel listened to. Love me.

What about your inner children? Why not draw them? Let them speak up! What messages does your Critical Voice have? What would your Inner Child like to tell you? Why not try it today! No one has to see. Reflect on what the exercise did for you. How does it affect your creativity?

—© Amanda L. Mottorn, 2021. Author of Finding Moksha: One Woman’s Path in Uncertain Times and Artist at Modern Moksha Designs & Publishing.

Who Will You Inspire?

A couple weekends ago I had done an online event for InterNations' Dubai group community. In the first fifteen minutes we have introductions and I ask the attendees what they hope to learn from attending "Writing a Book: What You Need to Know." I don't create slides; I don't believe in it. After the participant numbers grow, I start the meeting basing my presentation on how I wrote my novel: "Finding Moksha: One Woman's Path in Uncertain Times." I talk a lot about the fear and uncertainty I had, my perfectionism, my worries of not being good enough. I talk about the drafting and editing processes. Largely I talk about the shame I experienced as I wrote and wasn't sure I could finish it or even wanted to. I often wanted to give up and sometimes the manuscript and all the edits sat on a shelf for months, within view, but tucked hidden away in my mind as I let my daily responsibilities take center stage away from my true love: creative work. After I talk about my creative process I read the first chapter and wait for the questions. I have to get better at pausing. The first chapter ends with a lot to think about. The silence scares me and I want to soothe, crack a joke, change the subject, take the focus off of me. I want to let my attendees shine and give them the inner peace and self-compassion I work to hold onto in those vulnerable moments.

My talk is based on what they want to know and I cater my words for them and follow the eye contact as the conversation unfolds.

Toward the end of the event one of the attendees raised her hand. "I don't remember when I attended your last talk, but it was that encouragement you gave that willed me to finish, writing and editing and self-publishing my book. I did it all by myself." She held it up on the screen for me to see the cover. If I could have cried, I would have. My hand went to my heart. I was speechless, filled with joy and gratitude all at once. The words I'd spoken during another talk touched someone, had inspired her to create and finish a life goal. Were we not separated by the Atlantic Ocean, I would have hugged her. I was proud of what she had done. She translated the title from Portuguese and I wrote it down on a piece of paper in my surroundings. I was proud of her and I was moved by her being inspired by me!

My wish is that my experience gives others a sense of belonging in these creative communities. I seek out inspiring words in articles and in speakers' events I attend. That day I inspired someone. Maybe there were others. The gift that first time author gave was one that left me speechless and in awe. She and the others on the meeting reminded me that I inspire others, too, by talking about vulnerability and talk about being my true self. What I love about these talk is encouraging others to seek out their inner child, to follow intuition, the little voice inside themselves and to create and feel that joy.

Who will you inspire? Who have you inspired and what happened that day?

—© Amanda L. Mottorn, 2021. Author of Finding Moksha: One Woman’s Path in Uncertain Times and Artist at Modern Moksha Designs & Publishing.